Antithesis of Self
The next world, resplendent with sin-laden cherry blossoms
Unseeable in life; unseeable again in death – Jun’ya Ota
The night has descended and the smell of darkness fills the air. Stink and pungent similar to that of an open grave. I brave myself to enter this lonely fortress, a remnant of era long bygone, and climbed upon these ominous stairs.
There is no why.
I feel just as if my body is moving on its own, captivated by daze and let my mind blown upon by velvet invincible air current. If I can, and I realize it, I should have screamed at this moment. Because at this moment, my mind is by its own a blank slate, driven by incomprehensible force I can’t explain.
There is no right or wrong in my mind. By the time I saw that light, my body was moving on its own and my mind couldn’t help but to indulge in this forbidden euphoria. Although where I tread my footsteps right now is a no man’s land. No sane teenage girl, let alone man, would dare to visit this giant silent mausoleum of forgotten halcyon days of our bubble age.
But here I am, defying logic and my own sanity.
The sight was so irresistible, my own thought echoes through my head ready to tear it apart. It is mysterious and unexplainable but if I’m about to put into words, strange warmth surges upon my body every time I gaze upon that light. I cannot describe what that faint violet light was but the voice in the back of my head keeps on screaming ‘this is it’.
I need to reach the light!
My body follows that voice and finally reached the top of this silent tower. A sturdy set of door covered in rust. I collect all my powers to push the door open and now I can see it clearly. The vision of the night sky decorated with pale full moon. Two hundred meters above the ground and I can feel the strong gust of wind sending my balance into disarray. The normal me would cower in fear. A girl shouldn’t find herself at such vintage point. This is what common sense would call as ‘madness’.
But then again the normal me hadn’t witnessed the beauty of that mesmerizing phenomenon. The light that suddenly appeared along with echoes of childish songs brimmed with nostalgia. If… if I didn’t decide to take a shortcut through this old and dilapidated part of town, I wouldn’t have witnessed such miracle!
It is worth it all, I keep screaming in my head as my mouth formed slightly deformed smile carved from fear and excitement. Now I am here and my heart is beating fast to see that light once again. I keep throwing my gaze to all directions hoping to catch a glimpse of the violet beauty.
And there it is!
The light is hovering in the air idly. That light is surrounded by tens of another light of similar nature. They are just there hovering and almost feel like dancing a strange otherworldly choreography that is beyond human imagination. It’s almost mystical and surreal. Surely such vision cannot exist in this world. Through many pictures and photos, I have seen of natural phenomena around the world that I had once seen in books, magazines, and televisions, none can match what is fixed within my gaze right now.
The lights are moving, dancing, and playing with each other as if they are alive. Those lights are so cheerful although here is no way for a human to comprehend the emotion of such beauties.
Without reasons I let out a small laugh. The small laugh is accompanied with salty tears on my face. I then realized that I won’t be seeing such phenomenon anymore after this night. It is so rare and unbelievable I doubt this self can be graced of seeing this vision for a second time.
Until a thought passed through my mind.
I feel the lights to be corporeal enough so perhaps it is possible for to… catch it? I can catch and grab one. I can keep it in my bento box and perhaps install one in my room. Seeing one dancing and playing in idyll is enough for me and there is always chance that the other would join the lonely light.
In the end I brave myself and rush forward. I reach out my hand to the light with wide smile on my face.
This is it, my heart exclaimed.
And in the end my body took a deep dive to the pavement below.
I don’t get it… Is it all worth it?